OK. Just a word of warning. This is TONGUE IN CHEEK. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! The author accepts no responsibility for the psychological well-being of your child, should you take this serious.
THE SURE-FIRE WAY TO SAFE SEX - A GUIDE
Are you the owner of a pubescent child? Would you want to ensure that he or she practices safe sex? When you want to talk to your child about safe sex, do so under disguise. Don't mention the word BIOLOGY. Instead, use terms they actually know about. Horror stories, fantasy - those are the things that inhabit a teenager's mind. See the following case study for an example on how to ensure the teenager you own will obey the rules of safe sex.
“Jimmy, we have to talk.”
“Not now, Mom!”
“No, it has to be now. Sit down.”
“Mom! Ally is waiting outside in the car -”
“Which is why we have to talk.”
“If this is all about safe sex or something -”
“Jim! Sit down!”
“OK. What’s up?”
“I wanted to tell you about your father.”
“What about him?”
“Well, Jim, darling... your dad isn’t your biological father.”
“---”
“He’s merely your stepfather.”
“---”
“Jim? Say something. Are you alright?”
“Sure. I expected you to say that at some point.”
“You did?”
“Well, Dad often says that I’m nothing like him. He pulls this face of disgust each time he says it! So I figured whoever my real dad was, he didn’t like him much.”
“---”
“We done?”
“Not yet. Don’t you want to see a picture of your real father?”
“If that means we can get this done and over with -”
“Here.”
“What’s this?”
“Your father.”
“Wrong picture, Mom.”
“No, it’s not.”
“You gave me a picture of a... COW!”
“That’s not a cow, Jim!”
“Then what? A bull?”
“Jim. That’s your father.”
“You’re kidding, right? How could a bull be my father?”
“He’s not a bull. He’s a minotaur!”
“A what?”
“A minotaur. They are very powerful beings in Greek myth.”
“Yeah, Mom. M-Y-T-H. Mythological creatures do not exist in real life.”
“They do, Jim. He was a very sweet man, your father.”
“BUT HE WAS A FREAKIN’ BULL! WERE YOU ABSOLUTELY BLIND?”
“I had a few glasses to drink - sure. He looked much better the night before I woke up in his arms.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding, right? I mean... couldn’t he at least be Darth Vader or something? Do I even get special powers?”
“Well, you’ll be strong.”
“---”
“And you’ll grow more hair than other men.”
“---”
“See it this way. At least, you’ll never have a problem with baldness. Just be careful with girls, Jim. They say that the minotaur gene always jumps a generation.”
In our experience, you should talk about SERIOUSLY UGLY CREATURES. Whatever you do, DO NOT MENTION VAMPIRES. Due to the dark propaganda available in our godforsaken world, our children have been brainwashed to think of vampires as sex objects. Of course, this seems to have the opposite effect to what we all want to achieve in our society.
